On time to my psychiatrist appointment wheeee. :D I even got a shower and food and brushed my teeth beforehand.
She increased my Effexor, kept the Adderall level, and changed the Ativan to daily instead of as-needed, since I’ve been taking it daily for the last week or so and feel a lot better about life in general, whereas before I didn’t really think it was doing anything for me so I didn’t take it very often.
And apparently being calm and content to start with is a lot better indicator that I will be able to get stuff done, instead of freakin out about getting enough done to “deserve” to be calm and content. Whaddya know? :P Less compulsive hiding from scary feelings and more balanced enjoyment of my reality.
This is my bit about medication. It’s what I say to people who are worried about taking ADHD medication or antidepressants, or about putting their kids on medication for the first time. I base this entire thing on my own personal experience with taking medication for both ADHD and depression. I only needed the antidepressants for a year and a half once I was finally diagnosed, but I may well need stimulants for the rest of my life. And I’m okay with that. This is why.
Feel free to use it, share it, whatever.
Medication is really just a tool. You take it for as long as you need it, and while you’re taking it you learn all you can about how to manage your disorder without it. Then you stop, and you see how things go. Sometimes you do great. Sometimes you crash and burn after a couple of weeks, or even several years. And sometimes it takes you a day to hit rock bottom again.
That’s okay. It’s just not time for you to stop using that tool yet.
And if you need that tool for the rest of your life, that’s okay too, because everyone uses tools and a lot of people use the same ones all the time. A pen is a tool, and you don’t see anyone going around saying “Pens are evil, stop using pens!”
Well, so is medication. It’s a tool. So use it while you need it. There’s nothing wrong with needing a tool.
Goddamn, my Adderall is freaking magic. I woke up this morning and actually started laundry and unloaded the dishwasher before breakfast. And I feel mild interest in eventually watching the Grimm and Touch episodes that I missed last night, instead of the usual overwhelming pull to sit in one spot for the entire day watching TV and poking the Internet.
It sounds pretty pathetic when I type it out like that (lalala self-directed scorn) but it really is an amazing feeling. I had been working this week on being content with where I was and not beating myself up for not being able to do things I just was flat out not capable of at the moment, and that did help with my emotional equilibrium at least. But being able to move from Considering to Doing without an endless loop of Pretending Everything Unpleasant Doesn’t Exist getting in the way is…just incredible. And a possibility that it’s hard to even conceive of when I’m on the other side of that line. Wow.
The ability to disengage focus at will is a significant chunk of being able in turn to focus on the things I actually want. I forget that.
I have eaten finally (yummy pizza which I look forward to repeating for breakfast) and had some fluids and it’s 11 PM and my dad’s gone to bed so we’ll watch Grimm tomorrow and I kinda watched TV for eight hours straight today anyway and I keep poking the Internet for something to do but it’s not really working so…I guess I could…sleep? *GASP* *SHOCK*
Also of interest, this is the third or fourth day I’ve actually been able to take my Adderall continuously (because if I wake up too late in the day I can’t take it or I’ll be up forever at night) for the first time in like a month and a half and I’m recognizing the feelings I had from January when I first started taking it, before the insurance issues that caused my mini med hiatus. I know some people need their ADHD meds only intermittently, but I guess my brain likes a steady dose. It’s reassuring to ascertain this as I had been worrying that the Adderall wasn’t working for me anymore.
Hopefully if I can keep on track this early tension and jitters will again transform into being able to direct my focus where it is more useful. I don’t like living in mess, but I kinda have to just pretend it doesn’t exist in order to cope when I don’t have the spoons to properly address it. Then it just piles up, as things do…I’ve been basically out of clean clothes for like…two weeks now and laundry is not that hard, I don’t even have to leave the house for it, yet I still can’t just do it. So frustrating.
I’m terrible at creating my own routine, but I need it so badly. I keep fantasizing about settings where events just pick me up and take me along and I don’t have to manage any of this crap myself; military, prison, institutionalization, being someone’s pet.
Obviously these all have their downsides.
I just…STRUCTURE, I NEED IT. But I can’t maintain it myself. But I usually resent my parents and/or egalitarian romantic partners trying to put it on me.
In my depression, I don’t think about being dead, I think about having my choices constrained in ways that provide stability and contentment. That’s weird, right?
no one ever congratulates you
for doing the really difficult things
like driving on the freeway or getting out of bed or
every friendship you make is a countdown
to the moment
when they finally can’t deal
with the missed calls and canceled hangouts
every friendship is on a timer
every friendship expires sooner,
you hear phrases like “bootstraps”
over and over
until you wish you had some to hang
you have to learn to simultaneously
relax your muscles
and move them with determination
you have to be in control
and you have to let go
at the same time
it’s enough to drive you into
a blubbering mess
music is a conduit
crying is a conduit
your dad calling is a conduit
everything becomes a conduit
for either having or not having another panic attack
you learn to stop making plans
because you’ll either disappoint yourself
or someone you care about or both
you accept all of it
you hope someday everyone else can
accept it too
This is my life.
Probably my worst feeling is wanting to do things and not being able to get myself to do them.
I really want to draw. I really want to write. I really want to clean my house. Instead I just stare at things. It’s really frustrating.
Making myself sick by sleeping all the wrong hours, not eating enough, and forgetting my meds: a memoir.
Did a bit of editing and wrote about 260 new words on “Sandwich,” chapter total up to 1,541. Almost therrrre. Maybe I’ll finally be able to post this chapter tomorrow.
After I scrub myself out of filthy cavebeast mode. >_> It should get easier now that I have all my proper meds again.
Is there any way you can cut them in half and just take a half dose? Half is better than none. I do this with my antidepressants if I cant get my prescription sooner. It lessens the queasy feeling.
Heyyy good call. Thanks.
So maybe I felt queasy all afternoon because I didn’t take my meds today or yesterday. I think I took them Tuesday tho? Need to remember to take them tomorrow. But I only have three pills left and the stupid COBRA thing won’t be resolved until next week at the earliest and I just…ugggghhhh.
Glad I finished that chapter this morning because I just napped another three hours this afternoon and got nothing done. Body’s probably all “awake-meds where are youzzzzzzzz.”
So I went to get my prescriptions, and couldn’t find one of the script sheets where I thought I’d left it so I figured I’d have to find it in the house and go back tomorrow.
But when I got to the pharmacy to pick up the other one at least, they said my insurance card is expired, and so was my dad’s, and they haven’t sent us new ones yet.
Soooo I could only get ten days instead of three months of the Effexor and who knows how much of the Adderall I’ll be able to get when I find the script, until the insurance thing gets straightened out. And my dad’s away the first half of this week and then I’ll be away the rest of the week.
Augh. I have a lot to get done over the next three days. It’s gonna be hilarious doing it without meds.